The Good Mom

Becoming pregnant has introduced a ton of new experiences.  There are many even beyond all the physical and emotional changes.  It's like pregnancy and motherhood has opened a whole new can of worms as far as insecurities, fears, and uncertainties. 

When I haven't felt her kick for a few hours, I start fearing for her life.  When I walk in to doctor appointments, I start fearing that there won't be a heartbeat.  When I start thinking about labor, I get a little nervous (...okay, a lot nervous).  When I start thinking about having the baby, I fear that she will have major health problems.
I find myself overwhelmed with so many decisions.  What are you naming your baby?  What is your birth plan?  Will you do all natural, no epidural or medications?  Will you have a doula?  Are you drinking caffiene while pregnant?  Are you staying away from certain foods or keeping a certain diet while pregnant?  Have you taken birth classes?  If so, where?  Are you going to do cloth or disposable diapers?  Why?  What kind of car seat/crib/bedding/stroller/glider/etc/etc will you get?  Are you going to keep working?  If so, will you put your child in day care?  If not, will you ever go back to work? 

With almost every decision, it's like I have these nagging questions on top of it: 

Will I be a bad mother if I do this or that? 

Well she did this, should I do that? 

They decided on this, is that the best?

When you're pregnant, you instantly learn that every person (especially those who already have children) has their own opinion on what to do and how to do it. 

The problem is, since this is all new to me, I am constantly asking people about what they did/do to hear all the different options.  I love to hear about people's experiences because I believe there is wisdom in that.  But at the same time, I feel like I am just digging myself into a hole of confusion and questioning. 

The best advice I have received thus far, which I've heard from only a very select few women, is:

You will figure it out.  Don't worry.  Do what is best for you, Bryce, and the baby.  Only you know what is best for your family.

This is so true.  My wise older sister sent me this article from which I found this article.  I was so encouraged.

I know and trust that God will give us a sweet baby girl to love with our whole hearts no matter what.  He has given us this child to take care of and to love.  He will give us whatever we need in order to do that.  We are not all-wise and all-knowing, but He is, and He loves us. 

With all the decisions, I need to remember this quote from the article:

We are all mothering toward the same goal — that our children know and worship God. Our methods for reaching that goal may vary according to our unique families, circumstances, and the leadership of the Holy Spirit. Will he lead every believer toward the same goal? Yes. Will he lead every believer to the goal in the same way? No. And this is a very good thing.

Nancy Wilson writes,

Because every family is a distinct cultural unit, it is good that our methods differ. God did not intend for us to walk in lockstep with one another. . . . We ought to rejoice in a common commitment to biblical principles and in the variety of methods God’s people employ. (The Fruit of Her Hands, 58)

Project: Crib

I hadn't fully decided on the type of crib I wanted, partly because I was overwhelmed and didn't really know what to get.  While perusing Craigslist a couple weeks ago, I saw an older Jenny Lind style crib.  It looked well loved, but I saw potential. 

After meeting up with the owner and checking it out, we bought it!  It was a big moment for me buying the first big baby thing together.  As we drove away, I looked and Bryce with a pleased smile as I pictured our first child sleeping in it and thoughtfully asked, "How do you feel?"  He replied, "I feel like we just bought a crib."  I guess it wasn't as big of a moment for him...shows another difference between men and women haha. 

Last Sunday, the sweet husband spent all afternoon cleaning, sanding, priming two coats, and painting two coats onto our crib.  Here's a sneak peak.  We still need to paint the hardware.  I'll be sure to show before and after pictures once it's done and put together!

(In other news, I also jumped on the Instagram wagon and I love it!)

Nursery Ideas and Inspiration

Pinterest had given me tons of inspiration.  I have a love-hate relationship with Pinterest and blogs.  They can be inspiring and fun to look at, but there are many times when I feel defeated and inadequate without even getting out of my desk chair.  These beautiful pictures, homes, people, ideas, and creativity seem completely unattainable.  I have to keep myself in check and realize that while it's fun to look at, I can't compare myself or put myself down.  I love this post from a great blog that a friend introduced me to.  It is so real.  Like she said, it's all about confidence and knowing who I am and whose I am.  We were each created with unique gifts, personalities, quirks, and interests.

Psalm 139:14

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

Now on to little baby girl's NURSERY.

Here are a few of my favorite nurseries I have seen.

Source: simplysadiejane.com via Elissa on Pinterest

I LOVE this nursery with the gray walls, the yellows, reds, and aqua/turquoise.  So bright and cheerful!  I think I would be very happy every time I walked into this room.  The cross stitch rings with colorful fabrics are so cute. 

Source: chiccheapnursery.com via Elissa on Pinterest

I love love love the yellows and reds with the white Jenny Lind crib.  So cute!  The walls almost look gray, but I think they are more blue-ish.

Source: withtwocats.com via Elissa on Pinterest

Again, I love the Jenny Lind style crib, the multi-colored fabric, print rug, and yellows.  It would be nice if we could fit a couch or twin daybed in the room if we have more guests over, but I just don't think we have room right now.  I could picture Bryce, Madison, and I cuddling up to have story time on a couch full of pillows right before she goes to bed.

Source: elementsofstyleblog.com via Elissa on Pinterest

Source: projectnursery.com via Elissa on Pinterest

I love the pink and red in this nursery with the bright white.  AND the chevron rug.

I found this Amy Butler fabric that I fell in love with.  It's bright, fun, and different.  I'm not totally positive that I will use it, but I love coral and yellow together with the touch of turquoise.  We have gray walls that we are not going to paint.  And I think I want to go with all or mostly white furniture in there. 

We did make our very first purchase for the nursery this week...we bought a crib!!  I found a Jenny Lind style crib on Craiglist with a mattress included for $50.  I couldn't pass up the deal.  It is pretty old, but I think it will be fine.  Now I just need to try and paint it white.

Bryce practicing

We got to finally meet our new little niece, Adelyn, about a week ago.

 Bryce was in love.

She looks so much like a Whited!  Even red hair!

...wondering what Madison will look like :-)

Four years

Yesterday marked four years ago that my Mom passed away.

I've tried not to share a ton of personal stuff on the blog, but I recently was inspired by another blogger friend.

My Mom very unexpectedly passed away in June 2008 from brain cancer. She was having headaches more often that Spring. On a Monday, she went to an urgent care for a really bad headache. By Tuesday, she had a CAT scan and was at Duke hospital. By Wednesday, I immediately flew home from Venezuela (where I had been all that year with Campus Crusade for Christ). By early Friday morning, she had passed away. It was less than a week. Mom and Dad were married for almost 32 years.

It seems silly for me to type words here to try and describe the situation that has completely changed our lives forever and affected each one of us in ways that cannot be described in words on a page.

It was the toughest thing that has ever happened to our entire family, especially Dad. There has been a lot of heartbreak and tears and grieving over the last few years.

And though the pain is an ocean

Tossing us around, around, around

You have calmed greater waters

higher mountains have come down

I will sing of Your mercy

That leads me through valleys of sorrow

To rivers of joy

(Valley Song by Jars of Clay)

One of the many things I have learned through all of this is that this is a life long thing. When it happened, it was tragic and absolutely awful. But it wasn't just a "few months" thing or even a "few years" thing that we had to deal with. For all of those big life moments, Mom won't be just a call away or a visit away.  I will never have Mom back to have watched me get married, be there when I graduated with my Masters, to be at the hospital and hold Madison when she is born, or to get mom advice from as I become a mother, and my kids won't get a chance to have her as a grandma.

I will lift my eyes to the Maker

Of the mountains I can't climb

I will lift my eyes to the Calmer

Of the oceans raging wild

I will lift my eyes to the Healer

Of the hurt I hold inside

I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes, to You

(I will lift my eyes by Bebo Norman)

Just typing this is TOUGH. I keep wanting to close the window and delete this post. With time, there may be less tears, but there will always be an empty void of space that was filled by Mom. Certain times are easier than others, but it will always be different.

I really haven't talked much about this on the blog, but I feel like this story shows a lot of God's love and how he really cares about all of our needs and gets us through times that we feel we can't get through. The truth is, we are not promised another day on this earth. With death hitting so close, I think our family has come to understand that more through losing mom.

re·deem verb \ri-ˈdēm\
1 a: to buy back : repurchase b: to get or win back
2: to free from what distresses or harms: as
a: to free from captivity by payment of ransom
b: to extricate from or help to overcome something detrimental
c: to release from blame or debt : clear
d: to free from the consequences of sin
3: to change for the better : reform
4: repair, restore
5 a: to free from a lien by payment of an amount secured thereby, b (1) : to remove the obligation of by payment (2) : to exchange for something of value c: to make good : fulfill
6 a: to atone for : expiate, b(1) : to offset the bad effect of (2) : to make worthwhile : retrieve

(Merriam-Webster online dictionary)

I think it is awesome how God is called the Redeemer. It has so many meanings to us as believers. Not only are we free from our sins and all guilt that goes with them, but we are given a promise that we and all creation will be restored. This means so much and there are sermons upon sermons about it.

Today, to me, it means that all the moments that I count as lost, specifically having lost my mom, moments that I will not get to have, like coming to our wedding, calling her on any given day to tell her about my life now, letting Bryce get to know her more, or even meeting my first child, will all be restored or "given back" to me but better than I can imagine.  More than that, our family will be free of all the hurt that we have experienced through all of this.  Praise the Redeemer for how He loves us!

I think that my faith and my family's faith has really been challenged by hurts that we feel and it has lead us to a place where we realize life is more than what we see and as believers, we can trust in the Redeemer.

They remembered that God was their Rock, that God Most High was their Redeemer.

Psalm 78:35

Great Sand Dunes

And on to our last stop for our road trip out west.  

We were on the road, driving out of the mountains and into the flat land of southern Colorado.

Great Sand Dunes National Park is pretty crazy.  North America's tallest sand dunes in the middle of Colorado right next to 14,000 ft snow covered peaks.  It kind of looks like a painter just painted dunes onto a canvas (until you walk closer to them).

We got there in the late afternoon, found a campsite, and walked around the sand.  We really couldn't muster the desire to hike up the dunes.  We kept hearing people around us talk about how difficult it was to trek up hill in the soft sand.  We looked at each other and agreed, "No thanks, the view is great down here where we can lay back and put our feet in the water."

The next day, we put our bathing suits on and relaxed in the sun.  It was as close to the beach as you can get in Colorado!

We headed back north, stayed the night in Salida (in another glorious hotel with a bed and even an indoor pool!), and then drove back to Boulder. 

We visited with Kyle and Cayce for one night and then flew back to Virginia.  What a fun trip...we will miss Colorado!

The day we got home, we started unpacking.  After 1,000 loads of laundry, we got back to normal life in the Burg.

Colorado Road Trip continues

We drove from the Grand Canyon straight to Cortez, CO.  We spent the night at the Tomahawk Lodge Motel.  We looked up the cheapest motel with good reviews on TripAdvisor.  As we drove around looking for it, we found it: the one with the neon lights that read "VACANCY".

Contrary to what your first thought is, the rooms were decently clean and the owners were nice.

The next morning, we woke up early and spent most of the day at Mesa Verde National Park.

That week was unique with a few events honoring the Native Americans in the area.  

He was so cute and little!  Around 3 years old!  He actually did a dance, too.

And his older brother did a dance.

Then we drove around to see the cliff dwellings around the park.

In the late afternoon, we headed to the town of Durango.  We loved Durango!  It's just on the edge of the mountains and a beautiful river runs through the town.  We had dinner downtown at an awesome local pizza joint and finished it off with DQ mini blizzards (another regular treat on our trip).

After our hot meal and warm showers in Durango, we drove north into the San Juan National Forest.  We found this stretch of road to be incredibly picturesque: typical beautiful Colorado through the Rockies.  There were many rivers and lakes around.  We found a dirt road that lead to Molas Lake where we stopped for the night.  We set up the tent and hiked on the Colorado Trail for the day.  It was pretty chilly in the 50s.  We went off the trail for awhile in hopes of climbing to the summit of a nearby mountain (around 12,500 ft high).  We almost got to the top when we felt it was getting dangerous.  Trekking on a very steep hill with loose rocks and patches of snow made the summit not seem as important.

Can you see how steep it was?  Those are our footprints in the snow...I just kept picture myself tumbling down the mountain.  That is around the time we decided to head back down.

Such a beautiful view!

When we got back to the campsite, we just walked around the lake, collected firewood, ate dinner and made s'mores.  That night it was in the low 20s!  Good thing our sleeping bags are super warm.

The next day we got back on the same road and headed north to the tiny town of Silverton.  Population: around 500 people.  Just an old mining town in the mountains of Colorado.  Silverton has had it's fair share of old western movies filmed here.  When you walk down the (one) main street, you definitely feel like you are in an old western.  It's different than any town I've ever been to.

We kept driving and next went through the town of Ouray.  Talk about quaint little towns, this was it.  Surrounded by huge mountains with an adorable little downtown of restaurants and inns.

After the cute stretch of mountain towns, we headed straight to the Great Sand Dunes National Park.