Four years

Yesterday marked four years ago that my Mom passed away.

I've tried not to share a ton of personal stuff on the blog, but I recently was inspired by another blogger friend.

My Mom very unexpectedly passed away in June 2008 from brain cancer. She was having headaches more often that Spring. On a Monday, she went to an urgent care for a really bad headache. By Tuesday, she had a CAT scan and was at Duke hospital. By Wednesday, I immediately flew home from Venezuela (where I had been all that year with Campus Crusade for Christ). By early Friday morning, she had passed away. It was less than a week. Mom and Dad were married for almost 32 years.

It seems silly for me to type words here to try and describe the situation that has completely changed our lives forever and affected each one of us in ways that cannot be described in words on a page.

It was the toughest thing that has ever happened to our entire family, especially Dad. There has been a lot of heartbreak and tears and grieving over the last few years.

And though the pain is an ocean

Tossing us around, around, around

You have calmed greater waters

higher mountains have come down

I will sing of Your mercy

That leads me through valleys of sorrow

To rivers of joy

(Valley Song by Jars of Clay)

One of the many things I have learned through all of this is that this is a life long thing. When it happened, it was tragic and absolutely awful. But it wasn't just a "few months" thing or even a "few years" thing that we had to deal with. For all of those big life moments, Mom won't be just a call away or a visit away.  I will never have Mom back to have watched me get married, be there when I graduated with my Masters, to be at the hospital and hold Madison when she is born, or to get mom advice from as I become a mother, and my kids won't get a chance to have her as a grandma.

I will lift my eyes to the Maker

Of the mountains I can't climb

I will lift my eyes to the Calmer

Of the oceans raging wild

I will lift my eyes to the Healer

Of the hurt I hold inside

I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes, to You

(I will lift my eyes by Bebo Norman)

Just typing this is TOUGH. I keep wanting to close the window and delete this post. With time, there may be less tears, but there will always be an empty void of space that was filled by Mom. Certain times are easier than others, but it will always be different.

I really haven't talked much about this on the blog, but I feel like this story shows a lot of God's love and how he really cares about all of our needs and gets us through times that we feel we can't get through. The truth is, we are not promised another day on this earth. With death hitting so close, I think our family has come to understand that more through losing mom.

re·deem verb \ri-ˈdēm\
1 a: to buy back : repurchase b: to get or win back
2: to free from what distresses or harms: as
a: to free from captivity by payment of ransom
b: to extricate from or help to overcome something detrimental
c: to release from blame or debt : clear
d: to free from the consequences of sin
3: to change for the better : reform
4: repair, restore
5 a: to free from a lien by payment of an amount secured thereby, b (1) : to remove the obligation of by payment (2) : to exchange for something of value c: to make good : fulfill
6 a: to atone for : expiate, b(1) : to offset the bad effect of (2) : to make worthwhile : retrieve

(Merriam-Webster online dictionary)

I think it is awesome how God is called the Redeemer. It has so many meanings to us as believers. Not only are we free from our sins and all guilt that goes with them, but we are given a promise that we and all creation will be restored. This means so much and there are sermons upon sermons about it.

Today, to me, it means that all the moments that I count as lost, specifically having lost my mom, moments that I will not get to have, like coming to our wedding, calling her on any given day to tell her about my life now, letting Bryce get to know her more, or even meeting my first child, will all be restored or "given back" to me but better than I can imagine.  More than that, our family will be free of all the hurt that we have experienced through all of this.  Praise the Redeemer for how He loves us!

I think that my faith and my family's faith has really been challenged by hurts that we feel and it has lead us to a place where we realize life is more than what we see and as believers, we can trust in the Redeemer.

They remembered that God was their Rock, that God Most High was their Redeemer.

Psalm 78:35